Here's a flimsy effort. It's got nothing on the Purple Picks. Sorry!
Sizzler's Super Selections
Teesside Alliance vs Booty Batterers:
Zedsdead once tackled a burglar and won Deal or No Deal. What he doesn't know is that the burglar was Big Pete and that Noel Edmonds was tied up in the green room and supplanted with a doppelgänger in the form of Chosen Gobbo in a beard, wig and ill-fitting denim chinos. The prize money should have gone to Kath from Bromley but, thanks to a Booty Batterer scheme that has yet to reveal itself, the Teesside Alliance are now rolling in cash. Will their greed overwhelm them? Will Wightlord's machinations backfire on him as the Geordies present a united front against material wealth and turn up wearing potato sacks and hemp bracelets? The bookies say no, but the bookies also say yes.
Best Bet: Batterers. The Teessiders look tasty on paper but the Booty Batterers have the team experience to compensate for their poor racial choices. The camaraderie among them has been developing for almost half a decade under Wightlord's patriarchal gaze and this match-up could be the one where they come into their own.
Purple Manjbag vs Team Scotland:
Scotland. A country of rolling hills, fiery patriotism and sky high cholesterol. Manjbag. A country of sideburns, continental breakfasts and a floundering tourism industry. After negotiations went sour and a swathe of UN sanctions crippled their economies it is now time for them to go to war. Rumour has it that the Scots have greased up Purdindas like a rotisserie chicken and are planning to use him as a living projectile come game day. Captain Beanbag has stated that the Manjbag nation will never bow to terrorism of a poultry related nature and has adopted a policy of isolationism - he hasn't left his bedroom in three weeks. When pressed for a statement Chancellor Joemanji said 'how did you get into my bread bin?'
Best Bet: Manjbaggers. The countless tournament wins, extensive experience with the Monkeybowl ruleset and the fact that they aren't Scottish puts the Manjbaggers heads and shoulders above their opponents. An upset could be on the cards though if the Clan McBloodBowl can unite behind the rugged William Wallace figure of Shaheen and flash their bums just after kick-off.
Gazza's Tears vs The Stragglers:
Despite sounding like a mid-seventies prog-rock outfit The Stragglers mean serious business. Captain Nippy has denounced allegations that he isn't taking this seriously and has collected his team together to stage a matinée performance of Fiddler on the Roof, uniting in a convincing and critically acclaimed display of solidarity. The Geordie Juggernaut, usually alive with trash talk and outrageous grudging at this point, could only watch in stunned silence. Mattrobson broke down into tears at the sheer humanity of the performance, Stan was helpless as his entire perception of the theatre was overturned and Don Vito said that it was the best rendition of Jack and the Beanstalk he'd ever seen.
Best Bet: Gazza's Tears. The Geordies have scored the lowest available points for team selection whilst The Stragglers have almost achieved maximum. This combined with the tremendous haul of trophies collected by all four members of Gazza's Tears over the years makes this look like a hard fight for the residents of Straggle Rock. There is a former Monkeybowl winner in their midsts though, so don't discount them.
Swim Team vs The Blackshirts:
Will the Swim Team sink beneath the waves of defeat or flow with the current to victory. With the captaincy no longer in the hands of the majestic and ever reliable Purplegoo the unenviable task of defeating the Blackshirts falls to Barney. Ordinarily the Southern Menace would be a frightening prospect to bear were it not for the debilitating handicap they have imposed upon themselves with their most un-London like choice of tier three races. Is this all mind games by the ECBBL? Some re-election tactic by President Downes? Only time will tell. NAF insiders say that Hangus has been embezzling money from the organisation for years to fund the construction of something he calls 'Guinea Pig Town'.
Best Bets: Swim Team. A team with such a powerhouse line-up as The Blackshirts would normally be at the top of any pundit's list of likely winners but this time their race choices may be their undoing. Barney will need to run a tight a tight ship and rein in some loose cannons if he wants that coveted victory.
Marley's Angels vs Team C.A.C.K:
With the largest height differential among its members Marley's Angels will be presenting an unusual front line. But it will be a strong one nonetheless and won't be shaken by their captain's insistence that they all wear dresses and blonde wigs and that he communicate with them solely via intercom. Team C.A.C.K, after filing the wrong permits with the council, will now be known as Coppull and Chorley Karaoke and are legally obligated to sing something by Cher at least once an hour for the entirety of the weekend. Captain J-TY has taken this to its logical conclusion and hired an impersonator to accompany them vocally. Unfortunately all the agency had left were two Barry Whites and a Rolf Harris.
Best Bets: The Angels. With the event organiser on their books it could be easy for results slips to go missing, for tie-breakers to be worked out incorrectly and for certain competitors to be expelled from the tournament just as their cage closes in on the touchline.